good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
