Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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