My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
