dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
