Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
