you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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