I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
