I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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