Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
