I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
