mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
