So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
