stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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