I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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