all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
