I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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