Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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