I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
