Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
