this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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