I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
