Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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