Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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