I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the day after is always just damage control
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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