How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
