Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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