I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
