Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
