it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
