Where is the hickey?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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