so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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