This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
