First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Randomize