Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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