i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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