You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
wow bdsm is so cute
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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