I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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