Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
