god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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