My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
