Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
