mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she woke up with a sticky ear
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
