First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
