Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
