Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
