I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
