i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
