I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
