your room smells of hookers.
And success
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
