He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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