apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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